XVI.XII.XIV

Can't believe that it was already one year ago since lots of important things happened in my life. Last year, at this day, I was probably living in one of my dreams. In a dream that came true. A dream that showed me that everything is possible. That if you believe in something and try hard to get it, it will definitely come true. Just as it happened to me. Even if I always thought that such things happen only in the movies. I guess I was really lucky too.

But it did happen. And it left me with great memories that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Although there are also scars that I will remember. But last year, at this time, I wasn't really thinking about the consequences. I was living my life, smiling, laughing, singing and having fun. It is one of these memories that I will never show on any social media, even if I have lots of pictures, I want it to stay as mine... only mine. A memory that makes me smile and warms my heart.

I am very thankful to this particular person that s/he enabled me to experience this. One of the best experiences in my life. Thank you.

Hopefully, it didn't end that day.

Hopefully, I can still experience something as wonderful in the future.

Hopefully, we can meet again.

listening to: ONE OK ROCK - Smiling down

Now You're Gone

Last year, at this time, I was sitting in a taxi on my way from Gatwick Airport to a hotel in Camden Town in London. Looking back... it was the most crazy thing that I've done in my life. Definitely more crazy than all of my hairstyles, piercings, clothes and other things that I've done. But it's still a good memory. I remember how excited and terrified I was at the same time. And very sick - I ended up in a hospital when I came back home. I would have never thought that 2 days in London will change my life.

But it did. My life has changed. Even if I came back being a human wreck, I still think that it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It increased my self-esteem, although I lost something, that I thought was very important to me, in the process. However, after few days I felt better. I felt somehow lighter and happier. As if I became free. It was all for the better.

But I don't think that I could have make it if I didn't have my friends who supported me during my stay in London. And those who talked with me during the night before when I was so unsure of what to do, when I felt my stomach being squeezed. All those words, showing me both advantages and disadvantages of this journey, helped me. And I still remember them.

I am very thankful.

It was all about being in the right place at the right time. That's all.

listening to: ONE OK ROCK - Last Dance

Cold

The world is a very unfair place. For most of us. Actually, for most of the people that I call my friends. Why is that? Why do we fail when we try our hardest? What do we do wrong? Why do we have to face so many hardships?

I believe that there is some kind of a meaning behind this, but why does it feel like we don't get anything in return? Why do we have to try so hard and still get nothing, while lots of people do nothing and they get everything? Who decides who's lucky and who's not? Are we worse than the others?

It was a conversation with my friend which made me think about that again. Although there are people who call me a liar and a hypocrite who just writes everywhere that I am unlucky, but in truth I have everything in front of me on a golden plate. Anyone who says that knows nothing about me. They have no idea how much I try and how many times I fail before I get something done. You don't write on Facebook about it, so you're lying. Seriously? Are there really people who still think that the real life is on social media? Well... I guess it just shows on what kind of level these people are.

Oh, but well... what do I know?

listening to: AKMU - 얼음들

Crooked

November has never been kind to me. I'm glad it's already over. But I must admit that I really hoped that times when I was being depressed ended together with high school, few years ago. I really thought that starting a new life, with different people, at different place, will change everything. I was wrong. I guess stuff like jealousy and fakeness will follow me anywhere. But the question is, is there something wrong with the people I meet? Or is it me who's wrong all the time? Where is the problem?

I'm unable to change, sorry... If I change again, then I will lose this part of myself that I don't want to lose. Because then I won't be ME anymore. That makes me a bad girl, I guess...

And whenever such things happen, I just take a step back. I put a mask with a very clear message: I don't care, stay away from me... It's all to hide my pain, because I don't want them to feel superior to me in some way. Hell no... So I may use crude words only to make you feel insecure. And deep down inside I'm actually afraid of what's happening. And I would like to go back, but unfortunately I have nowhere to go. I just look how whole my life is slipping through my fingers again. And I'm unable to do anything yet again.

So I overthink everything and just move forward. And in all of that I'm also very proud... after all of my toxic friendships, I told myself never to apologize for something I did. Not when I don't feel like I did something wrong. I'm not going to let everyone trample over me.

Leave me alone.

Everything is meaningless.

listening to: G-Dragon - She's Gone

Sexuality

Body. Muscles. Touch. Whisper. Kiss.

People are weird. Acting all innocent while being in a bigger group, being hypocrites. Don't talk about it like that in a daylight... Hiding their thoughts from each other, trying to look good in other person's eyes. And yet they don't have any problem to come up with lies and spread them among themselves. Is it in human's nature to gossip?

I don't know why but it's always been an interesting topic that leads to rumors about me. She's weird. She's alone. She must be lesbian. Oh, I've been called a lesbian so many times that I've lost count. Only because I'm single. Well... I prefer to be single than to be in million relationships and change partners every month. Or be desperate to find someone so that I'm not alone, which only results in unhappiness of both involved. If I was made to be alone, then I'll be alone... living in my dreams. Platonic and unrequired loves are friends of mine. And sometimes it's much better to dream than to be hurt.

But just because I'm single, doesn't mean I'm weird or lesbian. Although I have nothing against being gay/lesbian/bisexual, you name it. Whenever I turn down someone it's just because I know that it won't work. Not that it happens very often. But how is it related to being lesbian? Or maybe saying that is just another way of making oneself to feel better, just like altruism? I'm so awesome, so that means she's lesbian.

Some thinks that talking about one's sexuality is a taboo. Some thinks that talking too much about it is a perversion. What's in between then? What's right? Is it all right to feel ashamed?

I think that if I am in a relationship some day, I'm going to be very posessive. Because if I find the right person some day, I'll do everything to make him want to stay with me. But the most important for me is to be loved for who I am.

listening to: Miyavi - Secret

I Know Nothing

- What are you looking at? - she asked a man sitting on a bench.

- I'm counting the opportunities that pass me by. - he answered keeping his eyes on passing cars.

How many times have I been in such situation? I've lost count actually. When I was younger I told myself that I won't regret anything in my life. Looking back I know I was wrong. I regret. I regret a lot of things that happened as well as those that didn't happen. I regret spending too much energy on people who turned out to be assholes. I regret being too modest and shy when it comes to different professional projects. I regret not listening to my closest ones when they gave me a good advice and I thought it's stupid. Such regrets always create thoughts that begin with what if... But even if I learn from my mistakes, sometimes it's just too hard to actually put that knowledge to use later. And so... I make even more mistakes only to regret what I did later.

I'm unable to trust others from the get-go. And I think that I never trust someone completely. That's just my defence system created throughout all years. What I've learnt from my life is that no matter how close you are with someone, there's always a chance that you'll be betrayed in the end. That is exactly why I don't want to show the real me to everyone in the first place. I don't want to be hurt even more than I already am. And sometimes, in order to avoid being hurt, I lie. I've been called a liar thousand times. Ugly little liar... call me whatever you want, but if one lie can save both you and me, I'm going to lie.

And I know I may be selfish. But I believe that all of the people are egoists. Altruism is a lie. It exists only to convince oneself that s/he is such a good person. It's only something that helps to make people feel better about themselves.

listening to: Placebo - Too Many Friends

Split Personality

I have so many ideas in my head... sometimes it feels like I have another personality living inside of me. And maybe not just one. My brain creates different people, living in different countries, talking in different languages, and then puts them in different situations. And that's how something new is born. Sometimes I like to use these scenarios in rpgs, sometimes I write a short story, sometimes I forget about them. But it's amazing how it affects my mood and my opinion about different things.

Apart from that, I'm being shaped as a human being by all the people that I meet in my life. They have an influence on me, they leave beautiful memories within me and sometimes all they leave behind are scars... deep enough to hurt for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel like I put a different mask on my face depending on the person I'm talking to. Am I two-faced then? Million-faced maybe? Where's the real me? Will there be a time when I'll be able to show the real me in front of the others? Will there be a person who will give me a hand and help me up?

I'm not saying I'm depressed and sad. No, I enjoy my life. I do what I like, I have some real friends that are always there when I need them. Sometimes I feel lonely, but don't we all? Being alone becomes tougher and tougher... And sometimes I feel like a looser too. Because sometimes, no matter what I do, I fail. And if it happens too many times, believe me, one starts to feel frustrated and demotivated. Like just... fuck it.

What to do then? Nothing. Life is still going on. You just have to show that you're strong enough to persevere through all the hardships. I grit my teeth and go on. Some day all of the hardships that I faced will pay off. Life is not only about drowning.

Off topic: When I'm done with all my assignments, I'm going to watch Bandage, one of the movies that I really like - even if it's very specific. If anyone wonders, the gif above is from this movie. Watch it if you like japanese movies with a slow and steady action, where the feelings are more important then the actual plot.

listening to: LANDS - Genki perfect issue