Longing

What's wrong with dreaming? What's wrong with longing to be important to someone else? What's wrong with not being desperate? I don't like the world that we live in. In the era of social media we've forgotten about being humans. In the era of having friends around the world, we are lonelier than ever before. We're being prisoners of our smartphones, of our accounts on social media. I'd like to disconnect in order to connect. But it's not that simple. We're addicted.

I dream about spending a cozy, rainy evening being cuddled up in a blanket, lying with my head on your knees, reading some interesting book and drinking hot chocolate. I dream about glancing at you from time to time, smiling to myself. 

- What? - he smiled looking at her.

- No, nothing. - she smiled and continued reading.

I dream about a cozy, rainy evening... Turning off my phone. Turning off my computer. Disconnecting. Not thinking about tomorrow, just living here and now. I dream about relaxing from a constant fight and taking a deep breath. I dream about being happy without hearing You're so young, you have time! all the time... you have no idea how irritating that is.

The number you're trying to reach is currently unavailable, please try again later.

listening to: Perrin Lamb - Everyone's Got Something

Dreaming Alone

Sit next to me. Just relax. Let us talk. There is nothing better than this. I wish I could just forget the time while talking to you. Sitting somewhere on a bench, drinking coffee. I wish I could laugh, I wish I could glance at you and smile. I don't need anything grand, I don't believe in fairy tales anymore. All I need are these little things. They make the world more colourful and beautiful.

I stopped answering questions that begin with what if... Theres is no what if. There is here and now. And here and now is completely different. That doesn't mean that I stopped dreaming, no. I just know my place and I dream alone. Nobody can hurt me in my dreams. Nobody can get angry at me there. Nobody can misunderstand.

I'd love to hold you close, tonight and always

I'd love to wake up next to you.

And what is wrong with that? There is a lot of happiness in that scenario, but I'd be content with just sitting and drinking coffee. Taking just 5, maybe 10 minutes of your time, and then just saying bye with a smile. I'm happy when you're happy. I'm used to my role as a supporter. I just need to smile, ensure you that I'm happy, and just forget.

I'm a coward. I wish I had more guts. I wish I did not feel the urge to run away.

I wish people didn't change me.

listening to: Zayn - Pillow Talk

Good Luck

First of all, I would like to say sorry for not writing anything these past weeks. A lot of things happened and I didn't have time to just sit and write. And I don't like to write quickly. I prefer to sit down and write... for an hour straight, even if it ends up in few sentences. And besides, let's be honest, 2016 doesn't start in the best way. For lots of us.

What you did to me, I'll do to you.

My trip to Cracow was a success. It was the best decision that I made in December. I ran away from my problems here, I let go of things that just hurt me. And I don't care anymore. Again. But I've learnt that it's better this way. I'm not going to be the person who always has to do her best, when the other one does nothing. It's not how things work, or maybe it is how it works in this century. I don't like it so I'm not going to follow these steps.

Be happy. I know I'm going to be.

I wish all the best to the people who were once close to me, but with whom I lost contact. It's not like I hate them, although there are people who will think that, it's just that our ways no longer go in the same direction. Good luck.

listening to: Eagles - Hotel California

Reality

Nothing special really happened. And I didn't write anything during Christmas time, because I didn't really want to... and it was such a busy time that no one would even bother to read. I'm still amazed that there are people who read my blog, I see that in the statistics, and that makes me happy.

Thank you.

What I was thinking about during Christmas was people, as always. I'm turning into another Orihara Izaya who thinks that people are so interesting. And my conclusion is, I wish that people were this kind all year, not only during these three days. After Christmas everyone goes back to being themselves. Forgetting about everything that they've said. Well... that's fine. That's human nature.

My dear friend called me on Christmas Eve. And I must say that I really agree with him when it comes to resolves like New Year = New Me... such bullshit that it almost makes me want to puke. If you want to change, you will change because you will try hard to do that. No one changes just like that... over one night. I can say that because I've changed so many times that I know exactly how hard it is and how much time it is needed in order to change.

My other friend wished me to meet my own Jon Snow next year. Well, thank you. Kit is a handsome man, an idol, an ideal. But only from the outer side - you can't know what kind of a person he is deep inside. So he'll stay up there, where I can't reach. And I'll look for Jon Snow who is more down-to-Earth. And who is not dead at least.

But it seems that all my roads lead to London... or Great Britain at least.

Hopefully, it will become reality next year.

That's what I wish for myself.

For now.

listening to: Softengine - What if I?

Spirits Are Not Ghosts

If there is anything that I could say that I believe in, that would be spirits. I believe that they exist, maybe in a totally different dimension, but they have the ability to travel between the dimensions. And these are not ghosts. I don't think that ghosts exist. But spirits do. Fire spirits, water spirits, wind spirits, earth spirits... even love spirits and hatred spirits.

Maybe that's because of my interest in asian culture. Maybe that's the influence of all the fantasy books that I've read. Maybe not. But sometimes I feel their presence, I feel that someone is watching over me. I smile unconsciously when I look at the stars, at fire or at water. Not only because it's beautiful, but because I believe that it looks right back at me. And I don't want to stop believing that.

Are they gods? Are they a part of some kind of religion? No, they are just there. Co-existing with humans, but living in a parallel world. They are part of nature maybe? Humans built the world. Everything that we see now was built by humans. Human mind holds a great power. And together with this power, the power of logic, there comes the power of creativity. Here lies the key to understanding all these "spiritualistic" things. Although there are people who call this "occultism" and some other stuff. Connecting it to their own opinions about what's good and what's bad. Judging the others who have different opinions.

I believe in spirits. That's all. I don't worship them, I don't worship anything. I just acknowledge their existence. Because our world becomes even a more beautiful place if we believe that the fire in a lantern actually smiles at us when we do the same.

Legends are beautiful.

And at the heart of every legend, there is a grain of truth.

listening to: Brian Tyler - The Ends of the Earth

Drama Queen

I learn about the people all the time. I really start to think that people are such interesting creatures. They can change drastically in just 5 seconds without a reason... or at least without telling a reason. All sweet words about love and friendship are such a bullshit. Why do we judge others but can't look at ourselves the same way? I mean... isn't that a hypocrisy? And what kind of nerve does one need to have, in order to be such a person?

I'm not angry. I'm not irritated. I don't feel anything anymore. Or maybe I do because I don't care. Is that a feeling? I'm an empty shell yet again. Stripped of my senses, of my feelings. I just don't understand. And I think that I will never understand.

Pretend to be my friend with all your sweet smiles and then stab me in the back. And don't look me in the eyes when you do that. Go ahead, I have a lot of knives in my back already. One more won't make any difference. Draw a clear line that will show me the limit of being close to you. I was too close for comfort...

And don't tell me that I've changed. Because if you do, I'll point you to the mirror.

And I'm not going to discuss anything with anyone anymore.

listening to: McFly - Too Close For Comfort

Homesickness

I think that I made a big fuse today. I got my whole family involved in my Great Plan. And all for nothing. The thought of going to Poland was wonderful and it was in my head through the whole day. But now... when I sit in the evening in my room, when I think about it logically, I'm not sure if that's such a good idea. I had hoped that if I go there after Christmas, I'll be able to meet my friends and spend some time with the people that I miss. But then... when I think about my assignments and everything else, I don't know if I want to stress over that. So... if I have to choose between sitting at home alone here, or sitting at home alone there... I think it's quite clear which one is better.

Although it's rather sad that I'm going to be alone here. Forever a home-bird.

But sometimes I get homesick. Especially when I know that I could do something else there instead of sitting at home here. I guess that my lifestyle won't really change. It will stay forever the same. And Poland will have to wait until summer. I will bring my friends this time, I'll go to the parties, I'll make a BBQ and I'll meet the people who are important to me. Or just fun to be with.

Although... I had hoped for some mulled wine at the Main Square in Cracow this year...

...and roasted almonds.

I'd kill for some roasted almonds...

listening to: Sia - Alive