Reality

Nothing special really happened. And I didn't write anything during Christmas time, because I didn't really want to... and it was such a busy time that no one would even bother to read. I'm still amazed that there are people who read my blog, I see that in the statistics, and that makes me happy.

Thank you.

What I was thinking about during Christmas was people, as always. I'm turning into another Orihara Izaya who thinks that people are so interesting. And my conclusion is, I wish that people were this kind all year, not only during these three days. After Christmas everyone goes back to being themselves. Forgetting about everything that they've said. Well... that's fine. That's human nature.

My dear friend called me on Christmas Eve. And I must say that I really agree with him when it comes to resolves like New Year = New Me... such bullshit that it almost makes me want to puke. If you want to change, you will change because you will try hard to do that. No one changes just like that... over one night. I can say that because I've changed so many times that I know exactly how hard it is and how much time it is needed in order to change.

My other friend wished me to meet my own Jon Snow next year. Well, thank you. Kit is a handsome man, an idol, an ideal. But only from the outer side - you can't know what kind of a person he is deep inside. So he'll stay up there, where I can't reach. And I'll look for Jon Snow who is more down-to-Earth. And who is not dead at least.

But it seems that all my roads lead to London... or Great Britain at least.

Hopefully, it will become reality next year.

That's what I wish for myself.

For now.

listening to: Softengine - What if I?

Spirits Are Not Ghosts

If there is anything that I could say that I believe in, that would be spirits. I believe that they exist, maybe in a totally different dimension, but they have the ability to travel between the dimensions. And these are not ghosts. I don't think that ghosts exist. But spirits do. Fire spirits, water spirits, wind spirits, earth spirits... even love spirits and hatred spirits.

Maybe that's because of my interest in asian culture. Maybe that's the influence of all the fantasy books that I've read. Maybe not. But sometimes I feel their presence, I feel that someone is watching over me. I smile unconsciously when I look at the stars, at fire or at water. Not only because it's beautiful, but because I believe that it looks right back at me. And I don't want to stop believing that.

Are they gods? Are they a part of some kind of religion? No, they are just there. Co-existing with humans, but living in a parallel world. They are part of nature maybe? Humans built the world. Everything that we see now was built by humans. Human mind holds a great power. And together with this power, the power of logic, there comes the power of creativity. Here lies the key to understanding all these "spiritualistic" things. Although there are people who call this "occultism" and some other stuff. Connecting it to their own opinions about what's good and what's bad. Judging the others who have different opinions.

I believe in spirits. That's all. I don't worship them, I don't worship anything. I just acknowledge their existence. Because our world becomes even a more beautiful place if we believe that the fire in a lantern actually smiles at us when we do the same.

Legends are beautiful.

And at the heart of every legend, there is a grain of truth.

listening to: Brian Tyler - The Ends of the Earth

Drama Queen

I learn about the people all the time. I really start to think that people are such interesting creatures. They can change drastically in just 5 seconds without a reason... or at least without telling a reason. All sweet words about love and friendship are such a bullshit. Why do we judge others but can't look at ourselves the same way? I mean... isn't that a hypocrisy? And what kind of nerve does one need to have, in order to be such a person?

I'm not angry. I'm not irritated. I don't feel anything anymore. Or maybe I do because I don't care. Is that a feeling? I'm an empty shell yet again. Stripped of my senses, of my feelings. I just don't understand. And I think that I will never understand.

Pretend to be my friend with all your sweet smiles and then stab me in the back. And don't look me in the eyes when you do that. Go ahead, I have a lot of knives in my back already. One more won't make any difference. Draw a clear line that will show me the limit of being close to you. I was too close for comfort...

And don't tell me that I've changed. Because if you do, I'll point you to the mirror.

And I'm not going to discuss anything with anyone anymore.

listening to: McFly - Too Close For Comfort

Homesickness

I think that I made a big fuse today. I got my whole family involved in my Great Plan. And all for nothing. The thought of going to Poland was wonderful and it was in my head through the whole day. But now... when I sit in the evening in my room, when I think about it logically, I'm not sure if that's such a good idea. I had hoped that if I go there after Christmas, I'll be able to meet my friends and spend some time with the people that I miss. But then... when I think about my assignments and everything else, I don't know if I want to stress over that. So... if I have to choose between sitting at home alone here, or sitting at home alone there... I think it's quite clear which one is better.

Although it's rather sad that I'm going to be alone here. Forever a home-bird.

But sometimes I get homesick. Especially when I know that I could do something else there instead of sitting at home here. I guess that my lifestyle won't really change. It will stay forever the same. And Poland will have to wait until summer. I will bring my friends this time, I'll go to the parties, I'll make a BBQ and I'll meet the people who are important to me. Or just fun to be with.

Although... I had hoped for some mulled wine at the Main Square in Cracow this year...

...and roasted almonds.

I'd kill for some roasted almonds...

listening to: Sia - Alive

XVI.XII.XIV

Can't believe that it was already one year ago since lots of important things happened in my life. Last year, at this day, I was probably living in one of my dreams. In a dream that came true. A dream that showed me that everything is possible. That if you believe in something and try hard to get it, it will definitely come true. Just as it happened to me. Even if I always thought that such things happen only in the movies. I guess I was really lucky too.

But it did happen. And it left me with great memories that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Although there are also scars that I will remember. But last year, at this time, I wasn't really thinking about the consequences. I was living my life, smiling, laughing, singing and having fun. It is one of these memories that I will never show on any social media, even if I have lots of pictures, I want it to stay as mine... only mine. A memory that makes me smile and warms my heart.

I am very thankful to this particular person that s/he enabled me to experience this. One of the best experiences in my life. Thank you.

Hopefully, it didn't end that day.

Hopefully, I can still experience something as wonderful in the future.

Hopefully, we can meet again.

listening to: ONE OK ROCK - Smiling down

Now You're Gone

Last year, at this time, I was sitting in a taxi on my way from Gatwick Airport to a hotel in Camden Town in London. Looking back... it was the most crazy thing that I've done in my life. Definitely more crazy than all of my hairstyles, piercings, clothes and other things that I've done. But it's still a good memory. I remember how excited and terrified I was at the same time. And very sick - I ended up in a hospital when I came back home. I would have never thought that 2 days in London will change my life.

But it did. My life has changed. Even if I came back being a human wreck, I still think that it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It increased my self-esteem, although I lost something, that I thought was very important to me, in the process. However, after few days I felt better. I felt somehow lighter and happier. As if I became free. It was all for the better.

But I don't think that I could have make it if I didn't have my friends who supported me during my stay in London. And those who talked with me during the night before when I was so unsure of what to do, when I felt my stomach being squeezed. All those words, showing me both advantages and disadvantages of this journey, helped me. And I still remember them.

I am very thankful.

It was all about being in the right place at the right time. That's all.

listening to: ONE OK ROCK - Last Dance

Cold

The world is a very unfair place. For most of us. Actually, for most of the people that I call my friends. Why is that? Why do we fail when we try our hardest? What do we do wrong? Why do we have to face so many hardships?

I believe that there is some kind of a meaning behind this, but why does it feel like we don't get anything in return? Why do we have to try so hard and still get nothing, while lots of people do nothing and they get everything? Who decides who's lucky and who's not? Are we worse than the others?

It was a conversation with my friend which made me think about that again. Although there are people who call me a liar and a hypocrite who just writes everywhere that I am unlucky, but in truth I have everything in front of me on a golden plate. Anyone who says that knows nothing about me. They have no idea how much I try and how many times I fail before I get something done. You don't write on Facebook about it, so you're lying. Seriously? Are there really people who still think that the real life is on social media? Well... I guess it just shows on what kind of level these people are.

Oh, but well... what do I know?

listening to: AKMU - 얼음들

Crooked

November has never been kind to me. I'm glad it's already over. But I must admit that I really hoped that times when I was being depressed ended together with high school, few years ago. I really thought that starting a new life, with different people, at different place, will change everything. I was wrong. I guess stuff like jealousy and fakeness will follow me anywhere. But the question is, is there something wrong with the people I meet? Or is it me who's wrong all the time? Where is the problem?

I'm unable to change, sorry... If I change again, then I will lose this part of myself that I don't want to lose. Because then I won't be ME anymore. That makes me a bad girl, I guess...

And whenever such things happen, I just take a step back. I put a mask with a very clear message: I don't care, stay away from me... It's all to hide my pain, because I don't want them to feel superior to me in some way. Hell no... So I may use crude words only to make you feel insecure. And deep down inside I'm actually afraid of what's happening. And I would like to go back, but unfortunately I have nowhere to go. I just look how whole my life is slipping through my fingers again. And I'm unable to do anything yet again.

So I overthink everything and just move forward. And in all of that I'm also very proud... after all of my toxic friendships, I told myself never to apologize for something I did. Not when I don't feel like I did something wrong. I'm not going to let everyone trample over me.

Leave me alone.

Everything is meaningless.

listening to: G-Dragon - She's Gone

Sexuality

Body. Muscles. Touch. Whisper. Kiss.

People are weird. Acting all innocent while being in a bigger group, being hypocrites. Don't talk about it like that in a daylight... Hiding their thoughts from each other, trying to look good in other person's eyes. And yet they don't have any problem to come up with lies and spread them among themselves. Is it in human's nature to gossip?

I don't know why but it's always been an interesting topic that leads to rumors about me. She's weird. She's alone. She must be lesbian. Oh, I've been called a lesbian so many times that I've lost count. Only because I'm single. Well... I prefer to be single than to be in million relationships and change partners every month. Or be desperate to find someone so that I'm not alone, which only results in unhappiness of both involved. If I was made to be alone, then I'll be alone... living in my dreams. Platonic and unrequired loves are friends of mine. And sometimes it's much better to dream than to be hurt.

But just because I'm single, doesn't mean I'm weird or lesbian. Although I have nothing against being gay/lesbian/bisexual, you name it. Whenever I turn down someone it's just because I know that it won't work. Not that it happens very often. But how is it related to being lesbian? Or maybe saying that is just another way of making oneself to feel better, just like altruism? I'm so awesome, so that means she's lesbian.

Some thinks that talking about one's sexuality is a taboo. Some thinks that talking too much about it is a perversion. What's in between then? What's right? Is it all right to feel ashamed?

I think that if I am in a relationship some day, I'm going to be very posessive. Because if I find the right person some day, I'll do everything to make him want to stay with me. But the most important for me is to be loved for who I am.

listening to: Miyavi - Secret

I Know Nothing

- What are you looking at? - she asked a man sitting on a bench.

- I'm counting the opportunities that pass me by. - he answered keeping his eyes on passing cars.

How many times have I been in such situation? I've lost count actually. When I was younger I told myself that I won't regret anything in my life. Looking back I know I was wrong. I regret. I regret a lot of things that happened as well as those that didn't happen. I regret spending too much energy on people who turned out to be assholes. I regret being too modest and shy when it comes to different professional projects. I regret not listening to my closest ones when they gave me a good advice and I thought it's stupid. Such regrets always create thoughts that begin with what if... But even if I learn from my mistakes, sometimes it's just too hard to actually put that knowledge to use later. And so... I make even more mistakes only to regret what I did later.

I'm unable to trust others from the get-go. And I think that I never trust someone completely. That's just my defence system created throughout all years. What I've learnt from my life is that no matter how close you are with someone, there's always a chance that you'll be betrayed in the end. That is exactly why I don't want to show the real me to everyone in the first place. I don't want to be hurt even more than I already am. And sometimes, in order to avoid being hurt, I lie. I've been called a liar thousand times. Ugly little liar... call me whatever you want, but if one lie can save both you and me, I'm going to lie.

And I know I may be selfish. But I believe that all of the people are egoists. Altruism is a lie. It exists only to convince oneself that s/he is such a good person. It's only something that helps to make people feel better about themselves.

listening to: Placebo - Too Many Friends

Split Personality

I have so many ideas in my head... sometimes it feels like I have another personality living inside of me. And maybe not just one. My brain creates different people, living in different countries, talking in different languages, and then puts them in different situations. And that's how something new is born. Sometimes I like to use these scenarios in rpgs, sometimes I write a short story, sometimes I forget about them. But it's amazing how it affects my mood and my opinion about different things.

Apart from that, I'm being shaped as a human being by all the people that I meet in my life. They have an influence on me, they leave beautiful memories within me and sometimes all they leave behind are scars... deep enough to hurt for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel like I put a different mask on my face depending on the person I'm talking to. Am I two-faced then? Million-faced maybe? Where's the real me? Will there be a time when I'll be able to show the real me in front of the others? Will there be a person who will give me a hand and help me up?

I'm not saying I'm depressed and sad. No, I enjoy my life. I do what I like, I have some real friends that are always there when I need them. Sometimes I feel lonely, but don't we all? Being alone becomes tougher and tougher... And sometimes I feel like a looser too. Because sometimes, no matter what I do, I fail. And if it happens too many times, believe me, one starts to feel frustrated and demotivated. Like just... fuck it.

What to do then? Nothing. Life is still going on. You just have to show that you're strong enough to persevere through all the hardships. I grit my teeth and go on. Some day all of the hardships that I faced will pay off. Life is not only about drowning.

Off topic: When I'm done with all my assignments, I'm going to watch Bandage, one of the movies that I really like - even if it's very specific. If anyone wonders, the gif above is from this movie. Watch it if you like japanese movies with a slow and steady action, where the feelings are more important then the actual plot.

listening to: LANDS - Genki perfect issue

The First Chapter

Welcome to my new blog!

It's been quite a lot of time since I had a blog and I hope that this time it will last longer.

The question is: what is it going to be about? I think that there won't be only one category. The only thing that I'm sure is that it won't be about my everyday life, I guess that it would be rather boring. But since I'm very passionate about make up and fashion then it's very probable that there will be posts about these things. Otherwise, I'd like to just use this blog as a place to write my thoughts about all possible things, from inner thoughts to opinions about music videos, movies etc. I need a place where I can pour my thoughts, some of them are good and some of them are bad, but it doesn't matter. As long as I can do what I like, there's nothing more important.

I'm still discovering myself and that is why I think it's good to have such place where I can develop my skills in some areas. One of these is to improve my English as well as my writing skills.

Readers are more than welcome!

listening to: TK from Ling Tosite Sigure - White Silence