I Know Nothing

- What are you looking at? - she asked a man sitting on a bench.

- I'm counting the opportunities that pass me by. - he answered keeping his eyes on passing cars.

How many times have I been in such situation? I've lost count actually. When I was younger I told myself that I won't regret anything in my life. Looking back I know I was wrong. I regret. I regret a lot of things that happened as well as those that didn't happen. I regret spending too much energy on people who turned out to be assholes. I regret being too modest and shy when it comes to different professional projects. I regret not listening to my closest ones when they gave me a good advice and I thought it's stupid. Such regrets always create thoughts that begin with what if... But even if I learn from my mistakes, sometimes it's just too hard to actually put that knowledge to use later. And so... I make even more mistakes only to regret what I did later.

I'm unable to trust others from the get-go. And I think that I never trust someone completely. That's just my defence system created throughout all years. What I've learnt from my life is that no matter how close you are with someone, there's always a chance that you'll be betrayed in the end. That is exactly why I don't want to show the real me to everyone in the first place. I don't want to be hurt even more than I already am. And sometimes, in order to avoid being hurt, I lie. I've been called a liar thousand times. Ugly little liar... call me whatever you want, but if one lie can save both you and me, I'm going to lie.

And I know I may be selfish. But I believe that all of the people are egoists. Altruism is a lie. It exists only to convince oneself that s/he is such a good person. It's only something that helps to make people feel better about themselves.

listening to: Placebo - Too Many Friends